Me and all my Teenage Angst (:

Wow my past posts have been a negative nelly! Reminder to you’re self…. DON’T BLOG WHEN YOU’RE EXPERIENCING A RUT. I REPEAT DO NOT BLOG DURING A RUT.

Haa. But really, so grateful to be out of that rut.

Ever since I straightened up my life and priorities and repented in January, the happiness and blessings in my life have been overwhelming! It’s truly a beautiful thing. And I’m so grateful for the knowledge that Heavenly Father is here, ALWAYS, and always reaching out…. Even when we aren’t doing so great at that ourselves.

And I’m grateful he pulled me back. Because being close to my father in heaven is absolutely my favorite thing.

I am so grateful for the promptings of the spirit. And how that is always direct influence from The Lord. I am so grateful that I was able to feel the spirit’s sliver of light during a very dark time in my life…. To whisper “clean up….. Go on a mission.” And I’m grateful that I made that scary but life changing decision. It takes courage! And I’ve already had endless blessings that have come from that simple (yet not-so-easy) decision.

I’m grateful that The Lord is testing my patience. I know that’s strange, but I really am. I have waited 4 weeks for my mission call, and that is certainly a trial! But I am ever so grateful for the wait, because when it comes (and that may just be tomorrow), I will be overjoyed with happiness. I know He knew that all along, and I’m sure it was His plan.

I am so excited to see where I get to serve. I know that it was chosen for me even before I came to this earth… And I pray the spirit will confirm my call with a feeling of “oh, yes…. This is definitely where I am supposed to be.” Because I know already that it is perfect.

I am grateful for the opportunity of going through this experience with some of my greatest friends! Abbie is such a great influence on me, I don’t think she realizes it, and I’m amazed at how close to the gospel she is. Whoever gets Abbie as a companion has seriously done something right in the pre-existence! I am so excited for Abbie, and cannot wait to hear where she is going to be called to serve.

I am just so grateful for this opportunity in general. I know that every time I feel slightly nervous or let down or jealous or angry or upset or feel like I will “fail” on my mission… That is only satan. Because Heavenly Father is right here with me, saying “follow me. I will show you the way.” And I know he will not leave me during my entire mission. He will be my constant companion, and I’m so grateful for that knowledge.

I look forward to continue in preparation for my mission. I hope that I can do all that I need to be as close to the spirit and The Lord as possible. I may have some doubts about being able to teach sound doctrine, but I know The Lord provides. Always has. Always will.

Sound Design

I am inspired.

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prayers would be appreciated about what to do for my feelings of unease about attending the temple

So i just finished 2nd Nephi, and I must say how amazing Nephi is! He is the ultimate example….He is so obedient to his parents and the Lord and it’s such a great example to me. He had been mocked and abused by so many, even his own brothers, yet continued on the path of the iron rod and remained faithful, and God was ALWAYS on his side. Doors were continually opened for Nephi, and his faith was unwavering. This is my ultimate goal! 

I’ve had a wonderful Sabbath day. I don’t know how many Sundays i’ve missed ,I think it has only been one or two, but even missing one Sunday really makes a huge difference in my life. The absence is felt, and peace and hope is instantly restored upon my return. I love the opportunity to feel the spirit so abundantly at church and on the Sabbath! I’m also grateful that i was able to attend Jeremy Mohn’s farewell talk, a boy i went to high school with and who has always had such an amazing testimony that really makes an impact on my life when he shares it.

I attended mission prep this evening, and though I wasn’t as reverent or attentive as i should’ve been, i felt the spirit. My dear friend Rachel  whom i have known since kindergarten, was sitting in the mission prep class today. Oh, be still my heart! It couldn’t be that Rachel has decided to serve a mission, or so i thought. She had fallen away from the church for a few years, and my soul was pained for this loss, because i could see the unhappiness in her eyes when we talked. But today I saw her, and the transformation was unmistakable. She has the gospel abundantly back in her life; the spirit is within her. She turned her papers in on Thursday and i am so glad that Rachel has found the gospel and the happiness it brings again. She is going to be an AMAZING missionary and she is and always will be such an incredible example to me. 

As I have been continuing down the path of severe and intense preparation to become a missionary and enter the mission field, i have been thinking a lot about the temple and the covenants that are going to be made there. I get so emotional when i think that it is so. close. Something that I’ve been striving my whole life for, the endowments and covenant that will be made and the direction and guidance i will receive  i cannot wait. I am so joyous and filled with happiness and excitement, and i feel so very blessed to be able to enter the temple and partake of those sacred ordinances. Great blessings will come from this, of this i’m sure!

I have been feeling a bit uneasy, however, about my worthiness to enter the temple. Now, i’m sure that is Satan’s plea to try and tell me i’m not worthy, but I am going to explore this thought more and make sure that I am right with the Lord. I really want to fast for this purpose, because I have been back/forth about this uneasy feeling for a few weeks now, and my answer is never set in stone. I’m sure the bishop will be able to help me discern this thought too, but i really hope that nothing i say or confess will push my mission preperation/temple attendance back. I think this is my ultimate fear; because it is also my ultimate goal, and i do not want something that has been in the past to affect me NOW, but that is sometimes how repentance works. I know that ultimately  God knows the intents of my heart and only He will be able to set me at ease and allow the spirit to more fully flood my soul.

I look forward to this week. My mission call should be coming in the mail this week or next, and though i am far from perfect, and possibly one step away from temple worthiness, i am there. I am looking at it, i know what i need to do (or at least who i need to talk to), and i  know that no matter what, the Lord is ALWAYS on my side. He is ALWAYS going to direct me aright and ALWAYS send me down correct paths, give me correct guidance, and allow me to feel peace and hope. I hope that as i continue to prepare each day to partake in these super sacred ordinances  through service, love, non-judgement, scripture study, temple preparation, reflecting upon my baptismal covenants as well as spiritual knowledge that i do have and have obtained through personal revelation as well as my patriarchal blessing and scripture study, by studying preach my gospel, and by counseling with the Lord and bishop, i will be able to feel at peace. I will feel the difference and i will be able to forgive myself for all my wrongdoings- to let go of ME and hold fast to the LORD and the Iron Rod.

Onward to Zion, horrah!

2nd Nephi is confusing, BUT I think I just found my all time favorite scripture? I have never felt this way about a scripture before?

2 Nephi 22:2:

“Behold, God is my Salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation.”

What a powerful and beautiful verse. It is just so…so… :’)

I have so many thoughts, sometimes not always good ones

I’m just going to write it out right now- because sometimes that’s all I can do to make sense of my thoughts. To organize them out. To…to…well I’m not entirely sure but I do know that it makes me feel better. Usually. 

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“The darkness will fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light!”

cj-twig:

i want kids but i dont wanna be pregnant or give birth but i dont wanna adopt either because i want them to be mine do you see my problem

basically you want to be a father

(Source: autisticlinguini, via guessitwillallworkout)